From the vantage point of maturity, I’m appalled that we thought the Bitch Book was a cool, fun thing to do. But we were young then, and the Mean Girl Syndrome is at its acme in high school. We’ve learned, haven’t we? We’ve become our kinder, gentler selves as we’ve moved into adulthood, haven’t we?

For some of us, the answer is no.

What is with the hostility we women are showing each other online? There are sites that exist for the sole purpose of acid and cruel putdowns of other bloggers. There are bloggers who devote whole posts to vitriole against other bloggers. Why? What is served by it? Actually, I can think of three possible reasons, but none of them sits well with me.

1. Controversy on the web is good for your stats. Everyone knows that. Foment a little dustup and your numbers go up. Then you become a much more desirable entity to the marketing community. Then you start to make some money (or some more money.) That you’re increasing your worth on the back on someone else–well, isn’t that really how capitalism works? To the victor belong the spoils and all that.
2. Ya gotta vent somewhere. Life is pissy, your kids drive you crazy and your husband, if you have one, is somewhere out in left field. Or maybe you’re mad at your mother-in-law. Or your boss. Where is all that angry energy supposed to go? If you keep it inside, it will, the psychologists tell us, just blossom into depression. Better to aim all that hostility at someone who can’t actually hurt you, someone you don’t even know. Someone who provided you with the perfect opening by writing something on their blog that you don’t agree with. That you can work yourself up into a proper lather about and show the world that you are a force to be reckoned with. Maybe you can get some other bloggers to join in. Maybe you can start a boycott and show the world (not to mention whoever pissed you off) that you have clout.
3. You’re a shit-stirrer. We all know this version of the Diva Mean Girl. She’s a master at manipulation who, whatever the arena she operates in, can foment dissent for reasons #1, #2 or just because she wants to. She’s good at getting a coterie of loyal followers to support and promote her. What she gets out of it is pure power; her followers get the cold comfort of knowing that today maybe, they’re one of the crowd.

It seems to me that what we’re doing when we get involved in #1, #2, or #3, even as a bystander, is a function of how we’re socialized: to express our anger through hostility. Boys, men–they get mad, they hit, and then they go back to whatever they were doing. Girls, women–we don’t have the luxury of dealing with our feelings through physicality. Instead we have learned to throw psychic punches which are, untimately, much more devastating.

It saddens me when I see this hostility playing out among bloggers. We’re not eating our young or, as preying mantises do, our mates; we’re eating each other. Sometimes I want to echo Rodney King–”why can’t we all just get along.” If not get along, then at least be civil, maybe? If we disagree, can we do so without ad hominem attacks? Is it possible to create our own successes, untinged by the failures of others? I hope so, for in the end, then, we’re all weaker for it, whether we’re actively participating or not.

Mom 2.0 Summit kicked off with a White Party on a very breezy afternoon.  Mingling and networking was in full swing.  Attendees were greeted by Time Dog reps with long pearls to wear.

Image via Mi Caminar

Whether you were a celebrity blogger, a well-seasoned blogger or a newbie, there was a place for everyone there.  The speakers energized and inspired many.

Courage… tell your story with all of your heart.- Speaker Brené Brown

Brené Brown gave an inspiring speech on “The Courage to Fail: Thoughts on Vulnerability” and she had most of the room tweeting her thoughts and praise in agreement.  She was the epitome of compassion, courage and joy.

Brené Brown (Image via Vanessa Jubis)

Image via Mi Caminar

Image via Mi Caminar

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Image via Mi Caminar

Tweeting up a storm using #mom2summit.

Image via Mi Caminar

Image via Mi Caminar

Comments are important for the blogger.- Liz Gumbinner

Motherhood is awesome.- Kathryn Tucker

Image via Mi Caminar

Image via Mi Caminar

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Image via Mi Caminar

There was enough love and inspiration to go around the globe ten times and back.  Stories were shared, laughs were abound and moving presentations brought tears to many.

The successful weekend ended with a fabulous Ultra South Beach Party at the Versace Mansion hosted by Intel and Mom 2.0.

Image via Vanessa Jubis

Image via Mi Caminar

Image via Mi Caminar

Image via Mi Caminar

Image via Mi Caminar

This is called a ‘group’ shower.  Most of the guests got a kick out of this amazing mansion.

Image via Mi Caminar

Image via Vanessa Jubis

A word cloud of 6,500 tweets from the Mom 2.0 Summit

Adam Keats posted a fun word cloud showing the ‘nearly 6,500 tweets from Thursday to Sunday.’

If you made it to this conference you’re probably still benefitting from all of the positive and energizing effects.  If not, you always have next year to be a part of something simply amazing. Mom 2.0 2013 will be held at the Ritz Carlton in Laguna Niguel, California.

Each hour, on the hour, for 24 hours straight, Postpartum Progress will post a different inspiring “Letter to New Moms,” aimed at helping reduce stigma and encouraging those mothers who are currently suffering.  Participants in the 2012 Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health include:

• Jenny Chiu, author of the blog Mommy Nani Booboo
• Mary McCarthy, author of the blog Pajamas & Coffee
• Jill Williams Krause, author of the blog Babyrabies 
• Fadra Nally,author of the blog All Things Fadra

The letter writers were given a blank canvas to share their humor, experience, tips and ideas focusing on mental health during pregnancy and postpartum.  

Postpartum Progress was founded in 2004 as a resource for sufferers, survivors and healthcare providers in the perinatal mood and anxiety disorder arena. Its author, Katherine Stone, was named one of the Babble top 10 mom bloggers in the US in 2011 and was recently named to More magazine’s annual Fierce List.

Babble–It’s TIME To Stop Fighting The Mommy Wars.

Mocha Momma–I am mom enough.

Rage Against the Minivan–Where is the mommy-war for the motherless child?

5 Minutes For Mom–FACT: Mommy Wars Do Not Exist

Jessica Gottlieb–Jamie Lynn Grumet Breastfeeds on the Cover of TIME Magazine.

PHD In Parenting–ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH?My Reaction to the TIME cover.

All of Me Now–How the Mommy Wars Was Won.

Lindsay Blogs–The Mommy Wars.

Moms LA–Blogger on the Cover of Time Magazine Nursing Her 3-Year-Old.

The 818–”Mommy Wars”: An Argument About Us, Around Us, But Not Between Us.

Silicon Valley Mamas: Time Magazine Should Have Been Titled: Be Careful With Pictures of Kids on the Internet.

The Mamafesto: Are YOU “Mom Enough?”

Did you write a response to the Time Magazine controversy? Add your links in the comments.

I used to think I knew what blogging was about. Making a connection with your words. Credit for craft and community. Validation in the form of respect from your peers.

Last week I went to Mom 2.0 where I had lots of dreamy idealistic convos about authenticity, intention and conviction. A deal with Martha Stewart Living might help, but only if it was a reflection of our true clever selves. (I made a mental note to share my Passover Pinterest board.)

I had the privilege, and I do consider it a privilege, to speak with some of the bloggers that defined blogging for me. Kristen & Liz, Catherine, Tracey, Kristen H, and many more. Women who paint with their words. For them, I get the feeling, that it’s always been about the connection, and not the attention. Not that the attention is so awful. But the point is, the attention came after. Their intention to share, tell stories and communicate, came first.

My favorite message from the closing keynote came from bestselling author Jenny Lawson, who is not a fan of the limelight, and not afraid to pass big opportunities up if they are not completely on her terms and right for her. She ratified the notion that while the money might be nice… we don’t need a brand alliance or network deal to make us “real”. In fact, these opportunities can be the death of your intentions, if you let them.

Intention is super tricky for me. When you state your intention, it’s supposed to be all pure. There are rules. For instance: you can say you intend to live in a beautiful well organized home. You can’t say you intend to hustle enough this year to fork it over for your kids tuition and hopefully have enough left over for all that awesome but expensive stuff from The Container Store.

Something you never hear bloggers state as their intention:

“This year I’m looking for five minutes of fame! Not for any reason in particular. I just want a brand, any brand really, to make an example of me. It’s not about the money. I just won’t feel validated until I see my face in Times Square!”

Note: My teenaged daughter often says she wants to be famous for having a reality show like the Kardashians. While I am horrified, I applaud her frankness. I also suspect hope she’s yanking my chain.

Immediately after Mom 2.0 I saw a Mom blogger who I respect and admire, posting a screen shot of her face on a billboard in Times Square. The image was there as a part of a promotion/campaign for Dove.

Ten minutes later she had about 40 likes and a similar number of comments on her Facebook wall.

The same day, another blogger whose writing I also love and business acumen I more than respect, also shared her picture in a magazine as part of a campaign for Chinet.

Whabam! Her Facebook stream got so bloated that it had to undo a button.

The comments (for both) went like this:

“OMG!!!!”

“Totally Jealous!”

“You’re so awesome!”

“You so deserve this – more than anybody! ”

” Wow! I am so proud of you!”

Two things:

1. These women are great writers. But not once have I seen that kind of comment velocity and messaging for one of their posts. Even the ones that made me cry.

2. Proud? Deserving? Jealous. Really? It’s an enviable word cloud of emotions, but for all the wrong reasons.

The comments, while lovely and encouraging, smacked of pithy insincerity. They remind me of the comments that my Kardashian loving daughter and her friends leave on each other’s walls when one of them gets a bad haircut. OMG! Awesome. YOLO! You go girl! Is this kind of gratuitous stroking the new polite?

Regardless, it’s got to be a nice feeling to find yourself on the receiving end of that kind of comment shower. I won’t lie. I like it when people tell me my hair looks awesome as much as the next woman. It’s validating, still, for any reason, to be told you are awesome. Addictively so. So… slave over a post for hours and no comments. Suck it. 100 comments for your tweet in Times Square? Win!

My question is how far will mom bloggers go for attention and comments?

This is what showed up in my stream today:

Mom Blogger Jamie Grumet made the cover of Time Magazine in a deliberately, calculatedly, provocative photograph breastfeeding her 3yr old. The media is having a feeding frenzy.

The headline: “Are you Mom Enough?”

Enough for what? To pose for a picture? To lend your image to a cause that seems clearly to be at least as much about selling news and views as it is about the topic?

Oh Jamie, I really want to support you. I understand how seductive the spotlight is.But I’m sad tonight. Sad that your left boob has it’s own twitter account and that Rush Limbaugh dummied up a version of the cover with your son sucking on Lady Liberty’s breast. I’m sad that this is your five minutes of fame and that it’s not about your thoughtful writing about adoption.

I was sick today and the news playing in a constant loop. I watched at least seven stories on the “Controversial Time Magazine Cover.” I noted how the media referred to Jamie. She was a “model” in most of the scripts , the fact that she was a mommy blogger mentioned in an afterthought. Model. Dummy. Pair of boobs attached to a three year. Cut to footage of ridiculous people making comments about milk & cookies.

On the mom blogger boards, once again I witnessed an unparalleled firestorm of the “You Go Girl” commentary and congrats and exclamations of pride. Look at that! One of “us” made the big time! The MomsLA group came up with a hashtag to support Jamie. Bless them.

There was also a fair amount of jealousy and anger that crept in from community members around the edges. It stemmed from confusion. Why did she do this? How does this really reflect on our community? How come she gets all the attention for being young, pretty, cute, skinny (insert adjective)? What was her intention?

I’ve met Jamie (and liked her, she’s super sweet) but I don’t know her well enough to even begin to accurately comment on her motivations for appearing in this photo. I wish I could say that it was a calculated move and that I knew she was a fierce breastfeeding advocate, a lactivist or attachment parenting expert who was a warrior for this cause.

I’d high five her for sure if that was/is the case. But if that was her “brand”, it wasn’t quite clear to me until today.

If lactivist wasn’t her brand yesterday, I sure as hell hope it will be her brand tomorrow. Because she has been made the face of this controversy, along with her 3 yr old son. The world will move along to the next willing “model” without her if she doesn’t use her words well. They probably will even if she does. Models are ultimately interchangeable.

To me, this doesn’t feel like a community win. It feels more like the opposite. Sure Jamie is going to be on the Today Show. Sure she might get a reality TV show or a book deal out of this. And some cash. Cash is good. I hope it’s a lot of cash, considering the long term commitment to being the public face of this magazine selling, boob bashing, “are you mom-enough?” challenging cause.

I’m just finding it hard to rally to what feels like a somewhat manufactured cause.

I do care about women’s rights and have no issues at all with attachment parenting and yet I just don’t care about this story. I cannot drum up the requisite outrage or vehemence for the “issue”. The controversy, for me, has been eclipsed by the fact that I feel like she, like so many attention craving bloggers, might have been taken advantage of here.

This is just my opinion, but Brand and Media “ops” like this and so many more are starting to feel like bad boyfriends. More and more bloggers are being motivated by the scraps of addictive fame that these pimps are peddling. This addiction to attention is dangerous. It runs the risk of undermining all the wonderful other things they do. And for what? 40 dubious comments about how pretty we are?

Five minutes of fame and fluffing is not enough!

I’m Mom enough to tell you. Hold out for more than a brand, more than a message, more than a sale. Sure you looked pretty in that picture, but it’s not the reason why your real friends love you.

The story immediately after the Time magazine cover was all about Janet Evans’ comeback. There was a brief history of her competitive career and a look at her training schedule and efforts to make a comeback. A mom of two, Janet shared that at this point whether she goes to the Olympics or not, it’s all icing. She adores what she is doing. She challenges herself daily to be better than the day before. She wants to be the best version of herself at 40.

No soap, no paper plates, no controversial magazine covers or billboard in Times Square. Just a mom doing her thing. Living authentically with passion and intention. More than enough.

I’m going to leave you with the last slide of the presentation I moderated last week, because frankly I need the dose of re-inspiration myself right now. Jenny is an inspiration. So real, always beautiful. She makes people believe, including slightly jaded ones like myself!

Ciaran Blumenfeld is the founder of Momfluential, and a proud contributor to Momversation. You can follow her on twitter at @Momfluential.

But unfortunately, that’s not the story I’m reporting on here.

The reason that I’m reporting it is because of the attention that Jamie (of I Am Not the Babysitter) has received because the cover is an image of her nursing her 4-year old son, with a headline that reads: “Are You Mom Enough?” under it. This image, and the debates that followed, have riveted the Internet as outspoken peers take on their positions of the image, and the article inside.

The image itself is very powerful. No matter what you feel about extended breastfeeding, this image will evoke a strong reaction. But from the photo and the title, one would assume that this is an article about breastfeeding, but that’s not the case. This article is actually on attachment parenting and famed pediatrician Dr. Sears.

While the contents of the article itself are leaving many readers up in arms about the inflammatory tone and possible misguided details of attachment parenting, the purpose of the article, and the cover image is being read loud and clear – to stir up controversy and debate in the mom community.

While the nation is recovering from an economic meltdown, while the polar ice caps are melting and people like Kony are still out raging terror, moms in America are once again being pitted against each other for the way we choose to raise our children.  Once again our convictions and emotions are being toyed with and as we are tossed back into the media perpetuated “mommy wars.”

While pro-breast feeding “lactivists” are arguing that any conversation on the topic of breastfeeding is good, many are also voicing their shock and outrage over the graphic image of a 4-year old boy with his mother’s exposed breast in his mouth. This image is not one of a romanticized moment of nurturing between mother and child, but one of a child who is old enough to go to school, standing on a stool while both he and his mother stare challengingly at the camera.  This image is blatantly being used to stir up controversy and conversation.

And? We are falling for it.

By putting this image on the cover of their magazine, Time isn’t doing anyone (except maybe themselves) any favors. They are pitting parents against each other. They are creating more reasons for parents to judge each other. They are fanning of the flames of a fire that never needed to be lit.

What do you make of Time’s cover story?  Is this photo and accompanying headline a sincere portrait of extended breastfeeding and attachment parenting, or is it pot-stirring imagery meant to incite the new “mommy war”?

“Medical experts believe that broader awareness about organ donation could go a long way toward solving this crisis. And we believe that by simply telling people that you’re an organ donor, the power of sharing and connection can play an important role.”

Smart. Opinionated. Vocal. These three words describe women bloggers in general and New York women bloggers are no exception. Since so many brands have headquarters or branches in the area, NYC bloggers tend to be invited to numerous brand events. Based on the sheer amount of invitations, we must be selective regarding the events that we agree to attend. In my experience over the last 7 years, I think that most events are really good. Then, there are the ones that have a “wow” factor. These are the ones that leave bloggers talking about the experience – both online and offline – for days after the event has ended. The Mother’s Day Luncheon that was hosted by Godiva Spirits earlier this week squarely falls into the latter category. In case you are a blogger or brand who plans events, below are some tips that will leave your attendees talking…in a good way.

1. Provide advance notice. While the attendees were a mixture of mom bloggers and lifestyle bloggers, the vast majority were moms. As such, it takes time for us to juggle our schedules, secure childcare and such. Sarina of Hunter Public Relations (a new mom herself) did a great job with this. She sent out a “Save the Date” to gauge interest a couple of weeks before the event and then followed up with the actual invitation.

2. Be thoughtful about your attendee list. I really appreciated how there was a mixture of women bloggers at this intimate event. Some of the bloggers focused on food and entertainment; others wrote memoir styled blogs and others had sites that were a mixture of the two. Regardless of the blog style, every blogger walked away with a story since the focus was on a seasonal story – custom cocktails for Mother’s Day.

3. Make the experience worth sharing. The Godiva cocktails were wonderful. However, just having us stand around drinking cocktails and eating appetizers would not have created such a response. Rather, the event was held at A Voce, a celebrated spot with amazing views of the city. Also, A Voce’s executive Chef Missy Robbins (who has cooked for the Obamas) prepared the three-course meal that was paired with the cocktails. The main course was even inspired by a recipe from Chef Robbins’ own mom. That was a perfect tie-in for a Mother’s Day luncheon.

4. Consider the details. Attention to detail was expressed at the luncheon in various ways. One blogger was allowed to bring her mom to the luncheon. Another (who is a vegetarian) was able to order an equally amazing meal…and there were even vegetarian appetizer options that everyone could enjoy together. Best of all, since there were cocktails being served at this midday lunch, all of the guests were treated to a town car ride to their next appointment.

5. Provide relevant takeaway items for both the attendees and their readers. The parting gift bags had a little Godiva treat to suit a variety of tastes featuring items such as coffee, chocolate and Chocolate Liqueur. In addition to the treats, the agency shared all of the cocktail recipes and images on a Godiva disk drive. (The recipes were in Word format, which made them easier to copy and paste into blog posts.) Everyone walked away with something. In addition, two attendees won a Godiva Spirits “Breakfast In Bed” gift package to give to one of their readers. Overall, Godiva Spirits did an amazing job of “toasting” moms.

In your opinion, what are some of the factors that elevate an event from average to “wow”?

{Images courtesy of Godiva Spirits, used with permission}

photos by Katie Granju.

How cool would it be to write a song, record it, AND create a video from the prospective of a blogger seeking a sponsorship of his/her brand?

Read the post at Jael Custom Designs: Sponsor (Parody) – UNOfficial Bloggers Anthem.