When I read the article by Amy Chua in the Wall Street Journal on Sunday evening, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior,” there were about 600 comments, ranging from mildly amused to outright enraged. Today, there are over 3,400. (In fact, the comments broke. Upon the latest refreshing the site lists only 1 comment, but judging from the hundreds if not thousands of comments on other sites, it is obvious that the number is wrong.)
Chua has hit a nerve with everyone from the anonymous commenter, to bloggers galore, to a Taiwanese CGI artist, to Dr. Laura — ethnicity notwithstanding — by describing her own parenting methods in the article which is an excerpt from her just-released book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” In the excerpt, Chua describes a hard-core approach to discipline, school work, music lessons, and even sports that she employs in raising her two girls. She tells of a particularly grueling evening of piano practice, in which she tries every tactic in her playbook to get her daughter Luisa to learn a difficult song.
“I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn’t do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.”
Writers throughout the blogosphere – not necessarily only parents, and not necessarily only Asians, considering, as Elizabeth Peterson wrote in a Facebook comment, “that the story isn’t necessarily different for many first generation immigrants from countries other than China (or other Asian countries) – are reacting in droves, publishing strong opinions in response to Chua’s article and her book. Most of the reaction posts are eliciting long lists of comments themselves.
Blogger Stefania Pomponi Butler, who is a Korean/American mother, participated in a conference call with other writer parents from a wide range of Asian backgrounds. She summed up the two basic types of reactions within the Asian community: first, the PTSD type of reaction as grown men and women read Chua’s article and recall their own difficult childhoods. And second, a general “You’re crazy and I feel sorry for your kids,” whether the reader is Asian or not.
The mental health impact on Tiger Mom’s kids
Lisa Truong of Help a Mother Out sees the article as inspiring “a big therapy session among Asian Americans about their own upbringing,” as many writers of Asian descent have posted about that exact topic. On the discussion site Quora, one woman wrote about her high-achieving sister who committed suicide: “If you were to ask my mom today if this style of parenting worked for her, she’ll point to a few boxes of report cards, trophies, piano books, photo albums and Harvard degrees and gladly trade it all to have my sister back. “
Betty Ming Liu writes in the post Parents like Amy Chua are the reason why Asian-Americans like me are in therapy, “I’m happy to be the one…who is finally happy. I sucked at piano, which my mother made me study because she had been a child too poor for lessons. My grades in college were so bad that one semester, I had a straight D average. Screwing up academically was the only power I had over my dad, a tyrant who wouldn’t let me take art or English courses.”
Indeed, Dr. David Clarke, a psychiatrist, is concerned about what Chua’s book says about mental health. On his blog The Stress Checkup, he writes of this parenting style “There is a significant risk that this will result in long term damage to their self-esteem. This damage is the common denominator in my patients whose symptoms are linked to their childhood experience.” On this week’s MomOCrats BlogTalkRadio, Cynthia Liu confesses that she had a tough experience as a childhood from being raised in this kind of environment. (Discussion comes up in the last 3 minutes of the podcast.)
Downright criticism
Chua’s book excerpt also sparked anger and derision:
Keith Chow at Rice Daddies: The first thing that struck me after reading the excerpt published in the Wall Street Journal was that Chua seems to have a whole lot of time on her hands if she’s spending all those hours being such a hardass.
From Angry Asian Man: It must suck to be Amy Chua’s kids.
Jen Kwok calls it a “frightening article” and writes “Packaging this ‘Chinese’ parenting as a guarantee for raising successful children is like selling “Pearl Cream” as the ancient Chinese remedy for great skin. It’s mumbo jumbo. It’s Tiger Balm. It might address some superficial issues and smell like it’s working, but doesn’t cure anything in the long run.”
Open-minded reactions
In support of Chua’s article, several readers shared their thoughts about how her story inspired them. Tina Case wrote at Technorati Moms: “Amy wants to expose Westerners to what goes on behind the closed doors of the Chinese mother’s home and the extreme love behind this methodology. There’s nothing a Chinese mother wouldn’t do for her child.”
Suzie Kane of Good Life Families made her son read the article to show him “how easy he has it….Even though I think the Chinese method is too extreme, I was able to take some balance for our own family life.” Paul Banas posted his reactions at Great Dad. He was shocked by Chua’s words, but found they woke him up to his own parenting style. “If nothing else, this article is a good New Year’s reminder to be a better parent, stay on top their homework and grades, and help them learn the lessons of success, hopefully without resorting to calling them a “loser.””
Heidi Dent says “While I don’t think I could be a successful Chinese mother, I enjoyed reading her story and am working on the consistency required to help drive a hard work ethic that is an essential component of success in whatever you do.”
Laurie Gray, of Socratic Parenting, writes “One thing…that Chinese mothers appear to be doing well is believing in their children and investing the time, energy, and attention it takes to nurture them. At the end of the day, I’m for any parenting style that’s based on love and modeling the behaviors we want to instill in our children.”
Dialogue
Cynthia Liu at K12 News Network, Technorati Moms, and BlogTalkRadio: “Let’s make this flood of commentary and outrage NOT about Chua’s book, but about the damage a certain kind of patriarchal, homophobic, and authoritarian, high-stakes parenting can do.”
Zoe Romanowsky on Inside Catholic brings up something that many people wondered reading Chua’s article: what about her American husband? “Chua’s only mention of her husband makes him look like a pushover instead of an integral part of her daughters’ success.”
A nice back-and-forth between a “Western parent” and a “Chinese mother” appears at Care.com comically titled “Are playdates keeping your child out of Harvard?” Ultimately, the writers don’t agree with Chua, but they think she raises points from which any parent can derive value.
Chua’s response
Why would Chua resort to such extreme efforts that other types of parents might consider brutal? Because she believes in her children. Ms. Chua did not respond to my phone call, but she did reply via email to Christina, the woman who wrote about her suicidal sister on the Quora site. “I did not choose the title of the WSJ excerpt, and I don’t believe that there is only one good way of raising children. The actual book is more nuanced, and much of it is about my decision to retreat from the ‘strict Chinese immigrant’ model.” Jeff Yang, who writes the Asian Pop column at the San Francisco Journal, read an advance copy of Ms. Chua’s book, and supports that the story is indeed about her journey from a strict adherence to the Tiger Mom methods to a more relaxed style of parenting. This idea made Pomponi Butler want to read the book after all.
Unfortunately, Pomponi Butler says, when Ms. Chua appeared with Meredith Viera on NBC’s The Today Show, the amount of backpedaling that she did “was not helping her case at all.” Chua explains that her methods are based on “your belief that your children are capable of more than they think they are.” Viera challenged Chua to respond to internet critics about her Chinese mother parenting style, to which Chua said that many Asian parents find Westerners’ methods shocking.
Still, in the interview, Chua insisted that her book “is not about me telling other people how to parent.” Rather, it is a “coming of age of a mother,” a story about how one of her daughters responded well to the “Chinese” parenting approach, and the other fully rebelled, making it clear that she would be going her own way. Because of this rebellion, Chua said, she “wasn’t going to lose my daughter,” and pulled back.
Pomponi-Butler said that Chua is quietly reaching out behind-the-scenes to Asian influencers in social media, so look out for more discussion.
A publicity stunt?
Western parent Kelly McMenamin sums up her thoughts about the whole thing at her own blog, but also added in a comment to me that “I am guessing Ms. Chua wrote the WSJ provocatively to get attention for her book, which she intimated is more even-keeled than the WSJ article. I’ll be curious to see whether her book becomes a bestseller because of the WSJ article. I am not tempted to read her book after it so I’m left wondering if it was a brilliant PR move or not.”
Catherine Connor of Her Bad Mother, after chewing over the matter in her own post, dismisses the issue. “We need to be able to look at something like these and roll our eyes – after, maybe, pulling out an insight or two that serves us in some constructive way – and set it aside and then turn back to our children.”
Are you ready to share your own thoughts about the Tiger Mom? Would you ever condone this method of parenting? Do you wonder where Chua’s husband is in all this? Does the controversy make you want to buy Ms. Chua’s book? Tell us what you think!
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Chua thinks parents should hold high expectations and encourage kids to work hard and achieve competence. Yes, very good! But it’s quite another thing to do so by coercing your child harshly and threatening her. Chua plays in the false negative stereotype of Chinese moms as stern and unloving.
Why not look at the research? Here’s what one psychologist who has studied these issues, Clark University’s Wendy Grolnick (full disclosure: my coauthor) says:
As if parents and children do not already feel pressured today. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is bound to add their stress and worry. Chua used threats, humiliation, and fear of losing her love to goad her children. Western parents, she says, are weak willed and indulgent for worrying about their kids’ feelings of security and self-worth
But research has found thatt Chua’s techniques decrease motivation, including in Asian cultures. In the long-run, such harsh pressure harms both achievement and psychological well-being. Kids their passions, keep at them and excel when their parents encourage their interests, provide reasons for activities rather than pressuring children into them, and allow their children choice in their activities (detailed in our book, Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids: Dealing with Competition while Raising a Successful Child). That doesn’t mean in any way foregoing high involvement with your children or consistent rules that encourage children to be competent and to excel.
Research has never found, on the other hand, that to encourage excellence, a parent should ignore children’s preferences, choose all their activities, or pit love against kids’ high performance
I am quite disheartened and disgusted with Miss Chua’s approach to teaching her children to receive the “A” at any cost. She and her family appeared very arrogant and haughty. They are not good role models for future generations
Hi Kim!
Being the author of the book “Stop Raising Einstein; Discover the Unique Brilliance in Your Child and You!” I would literally identify myself as the polar opposite of Amy Chua.
Her parenting “strategies” are not only appalling, but actually border on abusive.
Where Amy states in her book: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”
My philosophy is: “A parent’s job is not to decide what our children will become; it is to support and guide them as they become what they are meant to be.”
While Amy has no problem with the concept that “Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, “Hey fatty–lose some weight.”
I personally believe that in a time when children are taking their own lives and the lives of others as a result of bullying and pier abuse it infuriates me to hear the bragging of a mother as she tells of the insults, belittling and humiliation she subjected her own children too. Home should be a sanctuary to our children. A place of respect, understanding, hope and unconditional love. A place to go to and be lifted up, encouraged and inspired. To provide anything less should be considered a parental failure.
I think it’s rather absurd for this woman to compare herself in any way to a “Tiger”…Tiger mothers are loving and playful, they are protective yet allow their young to make mistakes and above all…they are patient and kind! YOU, Amy Chua are NO tiger!
Tara Kennedy-Kline
Author of Stop Raising Einstein; Discover the Unique Brilliance in Your Child and You!
I think it’s terribly sad that this woman should teach her children through methods that are verbally and emotionally abusive. Does she really believe that calling her daughter “pathetic” is encouraging? Or is it all a big PR stunt?
Jackon Dunes
Author of Pug At The Beach, An Island Dog’s Reflections On Life
There are two things that are difficult to separate in the article: Chinese parenting and biracial angst.
Parenting techniques are difficult to compare across cultural/societal lines. The immigrant/underdog mother NEEDS to toughen her child. She must believe that her child is capable of more. The future of the family is at stake if the child fails or is not trying.What value can be placed on the sacrifices made if the child isn’t striving.
Coupled with the study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101209074405.htm) in which biracials are considered members of the lower status parent, there’s a lot of pride at stake by the author (the author’s children are Chinese and Jewish). Of course, she’s going to be over the top because from the Chinese perspective, she married out, her kids are NOT Chinese, the Chinese community expects less from them….but her husband’s family thinks…he’s married out, her kids are NOT being raised by a Jewish mother, what can you expect?….I can even hear it in my head….If my son can’t find a nice Jewish girl, a nice Chinese girl will do…
Chua has no clue that this is not Chinese parenting. That excerpt shows that she’s insecure about her children.
As an educational consultant, I am often asked about how to raise a genius / increase my child’s brainpower. When I taught, parents who knew I had two Ivy degrees would ask me about how their kid could get into these schools…
I think we’re asking the wrong questions, as a society, and looking for a magic bullet.
As a mother, I do a lot with my children, including play with them. But I do these things because I hope they will increase the quality of our lives and give my children the tools they need to live fuller and more fulfilled lives…not because they are the latest faddish way to boost IQ.
That said, Chua has some good points buried in the stereotypes and absolute insanity of some of her anecdotes…but there has to be a balance. You need a foundation before you get creative…but without creativity, that foundation loses meaning.
Here’s a post I published a couple of hours ago on the topic:
http://www.naturallyeducational.com/2011/01/childrens-play-academic-benefits/
Excellent points, Candace. Whenever people ask me how my son is so smart, I tell them I breastfed
and I talk to him and play with him and take him to museums and let him touch everything in the grocery store and answer all of his inane questions. You want your kid to be happy, smart and live up to his full potential? Put down the Baby Einstein DVDs and pay attention to him!
I’m not a parent or a mom or a woman or a tiger.
But I still had my own say about the issue – mainly, all the negative aspects relating to the stereotypes that she ignores: http://www.avitable.com/2011/01/12/why-chinese-mothers-are-superior-by-amy-chua-a-parody/
Not so inclined to buy a book from any parent that would tell their child they are pathetic. Don’t care what the nationality. That is simply wrong in my book. I also wonder how well Tiger Mom is at following through on her threats. No birthday parties for four years? Really? Thanks for doing such an amazing job collecting all the responses!
This article is very interesting. I am the least successful of my siblings and I am a doctor. My husband is a doctor too. He is Australian, I am Indian. He works three days and takes care of the kids on the other two while I work. One day a week they go to daycare. My kids are 3.5 and 2 years old. My boy loves to be Bob the Builder, Mr Grazioli (our recent builder), Fireman Sam, Angelina Ballerina and most of all just to play and use his imagination whippersnipping, building and gardening. My girl likes to be Tom the helicopter pilot and Wendy the builder. She is also partial to tinker bell. I don’t have a goal for my kids to achieve in terms of what career they will pursue or how well they will play an instruement. What I hope is that they are happy and that whatever they do they try their best. I also think I can help them with this by modelling appropriate behaviour (which is sometimes very challenging). And that at every turn they are taught that all people are important and deserving of respect. Even if their beliefs are very far off from yours.
In my job I see alot of unhappy people. Alot of them have horrible stories about their childhood, some are just unhappy and sad. When I see happy older people I always ask about their lives. Invariably family was always an important aspect, and all worked hard at jobs of all types. They talk more about their family and loved ones though. And that is what I hope my life will be when I am old. That I can talk about my happy children doing whatever, as long at they are happy and cherished by someone. So what type of parenting style is that……
i wasn’t going to get involved in the whole drama that this article caused. but, it angered me as a parent. so…i wrote a half cocked attempt at a rebuttal… moms…http://www.rockanddrool.com/2011/01/12/chinese-mothers-have-nothing-on-the-jewish-mom/
My favorite post of all about it (although I haven’t read them all…I have my work cut out for me after this post Kim!) is Kristen Chase’s over at ParentDish: Is Amy Chua’s Chinese Parenting Strategy Good for America?
http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/11/is-amy-chuas-chinese-parenting-strategy-good-for-america/
Her perspective as the daughter of a Chinese mother who employed many of the same techniques was enlightening, and I left with a new respect for her–and the consequences for other children brought up in that kind of rigid, all-work-no-play environment.
Thanks, Liz! Great piece.
I only skimmed the article behind the controversy, and agree with Catherine of Her Bad Mother – take something or not, and just focus on your own life and choices, and your kids!
It looks like the parents need parenting more than the kids. Asian parents reduce their entire lives
to competing with each other which in the long run is severely damaging. We are all made differently,
and for some kids Chinese style parenting deprives them of freedom to think and act in accordance
with their own perceptions of life and society.
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